The Grammy Award Sucks

The actual Grammy award itself is a joke. It's the Gold Glove of the entertainment industry. Good thing the Grammy people realized this and decided to make the show heavy on performances and personalities, light on the awards. Most of the who-gives-a-shit awards were handed out prior to the telecast. Fuck, every time a performer/presenter was introduced tonight the announcer said they had already won 3 Grammy awards earlier in the evening. So while all the shitheads are up in arms about Bieber losing out to Esperanza Spalding, I'm just gonna ramble on about my impressions from tonight's festivities.

When they opened with the Aretha Franklin tribute I found myself wondering which of today's sexy, black divas would ultimately balloon to 200 pounds like she did. I was bouncing back and forth between Beyonce, Mariah, and Alicia Keys before I finally decided on Cristina Aguilera.

That CBS public service ad to check your balls for cancer as a Valentine's gift to your girlfriend was fucked up.

I really like Maroon 5 songs. Is that gay?

Leann Rimes either gives a mind-blowing hummer, has a snatch that smells like Lucky Charms, or both. Because Eddie Cibrian is one good looking motherfucker and she just is not.

Probably the most surprising revelation of the night is that Lady Gaga uses wire coat-hangers. Did you see those shoulder nipples? Zap.

I thought Sting was dead for a minute there then I realized that Miranda Lambert had basically dedicated her performance to anybody who had ever sung a song before.

I love Carrie Underwood with every fiber of my being.

Jaden Smith is 12. Is it a crime to wonder aloud if he has had a beaner before? I mean, he has to have, right? I guarantee there are high school girls lined up to blow this kid's socks off.

Paramore?

Gaga says she envisioned Whitney Houston singing her "I Was Born This Way" song when she wrote it. Funny because everything about that song and performance said Madonna.

Umm...that guy in one of the bands during the Bob Dylan thing really likes to fuck his banjo.

Good to see Koko B. Ware singing again.

Lady Antebellum is a duo or group. Not just a chick. Ok.

I was watching the show on a slight DVR delay but I realized that the vicious argument my neighbors got into had to have happened during the Eminem/Rihanna performance. Here is a transcript:
Male: "You fucking slut. I can smell your pussy from here."
Female: "Don't ever fucking assault me again."
Male: "You cheated on me and you know it."
Fade to silence.

Speaking of Rihanna; She is an overflowing bottle of sex and all her crazy relationships and her songs about wanting to get fucked and raped and hair-pulled is only the tip of the iceberg. Her best, sluttiest work has yet to come and I for one, can't wait.

If there were a Grammy Award for Most Emasculated Latino Male there would have been only one nominee and only one winner; Mark Anthony. Is there any doubt that J-Lo fucks him with a strap-on?